A Lie Called MBA


CAUTION: If you are not MBA-educated, then you’ll not understand the tacit jokes in here. So do feel free to just skip this piece of awesomeness

One of those conversations between Finance (Anne Fic), Marketing (Marte King), Operations (Sorae O’Pint), Human Resources (Rhea Morse Cun) and Economics (Cocso Mine).

Title: Jargon-ate-‘d (Revised)

“No, try to understand this. The ‘rate of return’ on the intellectual ‘capital’ invested in this place is so shockingly low” said Anne Fic assertively and started showing an imaginary bar chart that had imaginary little % figures as a legend.

Marte King calmly replied with vivid gestures “Oh Wait. Wait. How can you just say that! First try to understand the tangible and the intangible return. This place is more about the latter. What is happening to you out here is that you are turning into an ‘asset’. Use the SWOT analysis on yourself. You are going to perform efficiently as your ‘acid test’ would show to a prospective company. The ‘cash flows’ of your life are simply going to bloom.”

Anne Fic smiled, “Marte King. You seem to be in a good mood to globe (gas or talk nonsense).”

Marte King smiled too and said, “That’s how I make my money.”

A tune suddenly shook the comfortable numbness that had swept the room. Marte King tried to reach for the cell phone on the table. The ring tone was Floyd’s ‘Comfortably Numb’. Marte King decided to let the numbness continue for a while longer and suspended his efforts for reaching out to the cell phone. He knew that if it is urgent, people would call back again anyway.

Anne Fic frowned. Another person in the room, Sorae O’Pint cursed, “Bloody free-riders”. Only Sorae in the room had any right to mouth such a rabid curse, as he was the one doing the heavy-lifting in all their academic projects.

Marte King was about to defend, but dropped the thought. Instead started with “Have you ever ‘segmented’ the IIM Lucknow market based on psychographic variables?”

The other lady in the room, Rhea Morse Cun spoke out, “This should be interesting.” Like always, she never really contributed anything substantial to any discussion, but always had an opinion on how the ‘credit’ should split amongst the participants.

Like always, ignoring her, Anne Fic said, “I have COR VAL paper in a week. But what you suggest is a little more interesting. Tell me about it.”

Marte King got a little bit energetic breaking out of the numb shell and started, “Firstly the committee thing. One could clearly identify the two segments – The committee wale and the non-committee wale. Of course there are some out-liers here and there, ones who are in one and actually belong to the other. Each cluster has it’s own characteristics.”

Anne Fic was quick to react, “Now. Now. Don’t get into the details, we all know about it. What about using ‘wanting to have sex’ as the ‘discriminating variable’ amongst students, professors and others. (Chuckles) Think about it. Which group would you allot me to?”

Sorae O’Pint got up with a jerk shaking off the entrapping numbness and went over to the computer. He quickly opened up an excel sheet and started talking fast, “Super idea…preparing excel…three columns…students…professors….”

Marte King cut him and said, “Dude! What are you doing?”

Sorae O’Pint replied, “Duh…Building a model obviously!”

Marte King shot back, “How can you build this data without a survey? We should at least put this up on ‘surveymonkey.com’. Otherwise we will run into data integrity issues and might not have statistical validity to conclude with confidence.”

Anne Fic quipped, “Yeah, Marte! Like you ‘actually’ conduct any survey ever.”

Sorae O’Pint laughed and said, “We don’t need ‘actual’ survey. I’m pinging Cocso Mine.”

Rhea Morse Cun blushed and said, “He is a nice guy.”

Marte King glanced at her Rhea and thought in his heart, ‘Damn! Our institute should admit more gorgeous beauties like Rhea!’.

Anne Fic glanced at Marte King’s stupid expression and started laughing. After moments of hysterical and insulting laughter, she said, “Marte! Cocso Mine has the competitive advantage over you…you know the first movers thingie…”

Marte King made a mental note to get this strategic management right with the next incoming batch.

Like he had 100 years of life, Cocso Mine entered the room just then. Taking in the smoky air in that room, he sniggered, “Bloody GunJDs. Do something useful once in a while guys! Indian economy is counting on you folks!”

Anne Fic laughed and said, “Indian economy is not counting on us. It is counting trade.”

Cocso Mine shot an angry glance her way and said, “Your stupidity never ceases to amaze me. How can you go through life without ever grasping the inherent mesmerizing complexity. And anyways, I think India should practice autarky.”

Anne Fic was about to ask what that meant, when Rhea Morse Cun blurted out, “Yeaaaah Cocso Mine, Anne Fic is stupid as always.”

Sorae O’Pint glanced at her Rhea and thought in his heart, ‘Damn! Our institute should admit more gorgeous beauties like Rhea!’. Then glancing back at Cocso Mine, he continued, “Anyways dude, how do we build out this model. Real interesting stuff. Using ‘wanting to have sex’ as a discriminating variable…”

Marte King cut him mid-sentence and said, “Yo dude Cocso Mine. We are no GunJDs! We are ‘DJ Snug’ and we’ll drive some bullets of sense into this world with electronic chants…like ‘We Don’t Need No Education’….” Everyone was absolutely focused on each and every word, each and every hand gesture, and each and every eyebrow movement of Marte King. He had this thing about him, even if he was talking bull-fucking-shit, he had an engaging presentation style. To him, all conversations of any nature were sales pitches. Undoubtedly, he was the guy who aimed for topline in life.

Cocso Mine simply smiled and said, “Oh Marte! I forgot that this is your room! Anyways, I thought that you’d be at your bitch’s room…our ultra sexy and ultra glamorous Teas Driving.” Marte King was about to retort when Rhea Morse Cun said, “No no Cocso. This whole thing was his idea. You know the discriminating variable stuff.”

Anne Fic shouted back, “Wait! That was my idea.”

Cocso Mine put his hands up in the air and said, “Everyone settle down.” Then looking at Sorae O’Pint he said, “Okay dude, let’s start.”

Anne Fic looked over at the excel that Sorae O’Pint and Cocso Mine were working on, and was paying complete attention. After all, anything and everything about excel fascinated her so much so that she had actually bought curtains for her room which looked like a blank excel sheet. Each night while sleeping, she would imagine a matrix of numbers on that sheet and would conduct financial engineering with complicated formulae. Every once in a while, she envisaged using VB for coding the macro as well!

Breaking the silence in the room, Marte King declared, “Nopes folks! Married or unmarried, single or couple, studying or teaching; that cannot be a discriminating variable. Everybody will score very high on that variable.”

Cocso Mine looked at him and said, “Hmm….You know dude…you do have the mind capable of producing insights.”

Marte King smiled and said, “Actually dude, I’ve been thinking of applying to Consulting companies next year in placements.”

Sorae O’Pint was just saying, “Cunt-salting…”, when Rhea Morse Cun cut him and said, “Now that ‘we’ have finished the story of the discriminating variable…you know we should be discussing about how we want to position IIM Lucknow to the next incoming batch.”

Everyone looked over at Rhea Morse Cun with surprise, as nobody remembered her contributing anything to the discussion and so they couldn’t understand which ‘we’ she was referring to.

Rhea was not alien to receiving attention, she had learnt to accept the fact that she was beautiful and would be subject to visual rape. While she was basking in this glory, Anne Fic turned towards Sorae O’Pint and said, “Dude, can you play Floyd’s Shine On You Crazy Diamond.”

That’s when Dean Academics walked into the room and said, “Frigging MBAs. You people know only jargon. Do some real work!!”

*** The End ***

Original unedited version first blogged on 23-September-2007 11:52PM
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